Parenting is a journey filled with surprises and changes. When your child expresses that they are transgender or gender nonconforming, it can be a significant adjustment. However, this is also an opportunity to show unconditional love and support.

Our therapists have worked with many families navigating this journey and your response can make a world of difference in your child’s life. Despite the high stakes, exactly how to support your transgender youth or gender nonconforming child may be really unclear.

You’re here reading and that’s a great start! Let’s start with some foundational information and then get to practical tips. 

Understanding Gender Identity

Gender identity refers to a person’s internal sense of their own gender, whether that be male, female, a blend of both, or neither, which may or may not align with the sex they were assigned at birth. It is how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves, which can be different from societal expectations based on their biological sex.

Biological sex, on the other hand, is assigned at birth based on physical characteristics like chromosomes, hormones, and reproductive anatomy. While biological sex is a physical classification, gender identity is a personal identity. Understanding the nuances of gender identity is the first step in supporting a transgender child.

What Does It Mean to Be Transgender?

Being transgender means that a person’s gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth. Some children may feel they were born in the wrong body, experiencing a profound discomfort with their physical form. Other transgender youth may not identify strictly as male or female and may describe themselves as nonbinary, gender-fluid, or another gender identity. 

Gender Identity vs. Sexual Orientation

It’s crucial to differentiate between gender identity and sexual orientation. Gender identity is about who you are, while sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to. A trans child can be straight, gay, bisexual, or any other orientation, just like anyone else. Understanding this distinction helps in providing better support and avoiding confusion. It also enables you to respond appropriately to your child’s specific needs and questions.

Gender Dysphoria and Its Impact on Children

Gender dysphoria refers to the distress experienced when a person’s assigned gender at birth does not align with their internal sense of identity. This can lead to feelings of discomfort, anxiety, and depression. Children with gender dysphoria may express a strong desire to be of a different gender or insist they are a different gender than the one assigned at birth.
 
They may also prefer dressing, choosing toys, or participating in activities typical of the opposite gender. Recognizing and understanding gender dysphoria is crucial in supporting a trans child, as it often requires compassion, understanding, and appropriate care.

The Importance of Parental Support

Your support as a parent is vital for your child’s mental and emotional well-being. Let’s dive into why family acceptance is so important.

Why Family Acceptance Matters

When transgender youth feel supported and accepted by their families, they experience significantly better mental health outcomes. Research consistently shows that supportive family environments can drastically reduce the risk of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation in transgender youth.

A study by The Trevor Project found that transgender and nonbinary youth whose pronouns were respected by the people they live with were half as likely to attempt suicide as those whose pronouns were not respected. Simply put, your love and acceptance can be a lifeline for your gender nonconforming youth.

The Consequences of Rejection

On the other hand, rejection or lack of support can lead to significant mental health challenges for trans youth. This includes a higher risk of depression, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, and other mental health issues. Feeling unloved or invalidated can profoundly impact a child’s self-esteem and their ability to thrive.
 
According to the Trevor Project’s 2023 National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ+ Young People, 41% of LGBTQ+ young people considered suicide in the past year. Many of these youth cited family rejection as a significant factor in their mental health struggles.

Ways to Support Your Trans or Gender Nonconforming Youth

How can you actively support your transgender child? Here are practical steps you can take to create a nurturing and affirming environment.

1. Listen and Validate Your Child’s Feelings – One of the most powerful things you can do is simply listen. Your child needs to know that their feelings are real and valid. When your child tells you they are not the gender they were assigned at birth or are questioning that assignment, it’s essential to listen without judgment.
    
   Avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. You may have many strong internal emotional reactions – that’s normal.  Be compassionate with yourself while remembering your most important job in that moment is to listen and validate your child. Thank your child for trusting you with their thoughts and feelings, and let them know you will do everything necessary to support them.
    
   Imagine your child telling you they’re not sure whether they’re a boy or a girl. It’s natural to feel confused or scared. But instead of reacting with panic or dismissal, respond with empathy: “I hear you, and I love you. Let’s explore this together.” This validation can be incredibly comforting for your child. Remember, your child may not have all the answers right away, and that’s okay. What matters most is that they know you are there for them.
2. Challenge Your Beliefs on Gender – Gender is more fluid and complex than many realize. Society’s views on gender can be rigid, often reinforcing a binary system of “male” and “female.” As a parent, it’s crucial to examine your own beliefs about gender roles and how they might affect your child.
    
   Whether you like it or not, your views are influenced by the systems surrounding you.  Opening yourself up to new perspectives can help you better support your trans or gender nonconforming child. You may feel discomfort or fear about stepping into this ambiguity, but embracing a more curious and compassionate stance reduces feelings of rejection, misunderstanding, and judgment that can lead to mental health issues.
3. Educate Yourself on Trans Issues – Knowledge is power. The more you learn about transgender issues, the better equipped you will be to support your child. Understanding terms like “gender dysphoria,” “nonbinary,” and “gender-fluid” can help you navigate this journey with more confidence. Additionally, knowing about the challenges transgender youth face, such as discrimination, bullying, and lack of access to gender-affirming care, can help you advocate more effectively for your child.
    
   Books like “The Transgender Child” by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper and “Gender Born, Gender Made” by Diane Ehrensaft are excellent resources. Organizations like Gender Spectrum and the Human Rights Campaign provide valuable information and support for parents and caregivers.
    
   Additionally, local resources such as the Chicago’s Center on Halsted, University of Chicago’s Trans Care Clinic, and the PFLAG-PTI Chicago chapter can offer support and educational materials specific to Chicagoland.
4. Use Correct (Affirmed) Names and Pronouns – Using your child’s preferred name and pronouns is a simple yet profound way to show support for transgender youth. It affirms their identity and shows them that you see and respect who they are. This small act of respect can significantly impact your child’s emotional well-being.
    
   Studies have consistently shown that when parents use their child’s affirmed name and pronouns, it can lead to a decrease in symptoms of depression and a sense of safety and belonging. In fact, the American Medical Association and American Academy of Pediatrics have both publicly and judicially advocated for use of the correct pronouns for trans youth.
    
   Language shapes our reality. When you use the correct name and pronouns, you tell your child that they matter and that their identity is real. It’s a powerful act of love and respect. If you make a mistake, correct yourself and move forward—your effort and willingness to learn mean the world to your child.
5. Create a Supportive Environment at Home – Your home should be a safe haven where your child can express themselves without fear of judgment. Encourage open communication and let your child know they can come to you with their feelings and concerns. This also means fostering an environment where conversations about gender and identity are normalized and welcomed.
    
   Regularly check in with your child. Ask how they’re feeling and what’s on their mind. Make it clear that they can talk to you about anything, without fear of judgment or punishment. This open dialogue helps them feel safe and supported, knowing they have a caring ally at home.
6. Advocate for Your Child – Being an advocate means standing up for your child’s rights in various settings, such as school, healthcare, and social situations. You may need to educate teachers, coaches, and others to ensure your child receives the support they need. Advocacy also involves pushing for changes in policies and practices that affect your child’s well-being.
    
   Schools and healthcare systems can be challenging to navigate. Work with educators to ensure your child has access to gender-neutral bathrooms and an inclusive learning environment. In healthcare settings, seek out providers knowledgeable about gender-affirming care.
    
   In Chicago, that list includes Lurie Children’s Hospital’s Gender Development Program and Clinic and the University of Chicago’s Trans Care Clinic.  Your child should feel safe and respected in every aspect of their life, and it’s often up to parents to help create these affirming environments.
7. Assemble a Care Team – Supporting a transgender child often involves a team of professionals. Look for gender-affirming therapists, pediatricians, and endocrinologists who can provide appropriate support and care for your child.
8. Follow Your Child’s Lead – Every child’s journey is unique. Some may want to explore their gender identity gradually, while others may want major change right away. It’s okay if your child’s identity evolves. They may change names, pronouns, or how they express themselves as they grow. Being open and flexible as they explore what feels right allows them to discover their authentic self without fear of rejection or judgment.
9. Take Care of Yourself – Support can be hard! It’s crucial to take care of your mental health so that you can be the best parent you can be. Seek support from friends, family, or an individual therapist who understands the complexities of this journey. Remember, taking care of your well-being is not selfish—it’s necessary to provide the best support for your child.
10. Build Your Own Support System – Join support groups for parents of transgender youth, such as PFLAG-PTI Chicago Chapter. Sharing experiences with other parents who understand your journey can provide comfort and guidance. It’s important to have a space where you can process your own emotions and concerns so that you can continue to be a strong source of support for your child.

Supporting a transgender or gender nonconforming youth can be a profound and transformative experience. While it comes with challenges, it also offers an opportunity to deepen your connection with your child and help them live authentically.

Remember, your love, support, and understanding are the most valuable gifts you can give. By actively listening, educating yourself, and advocating for your child’s needs, you create a foundation for their well-being and happiness.

Remember–you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. A gender-affirming therapist can be a crucial ally for both you and your child. They can provide a safe space for your child to explore their identity and offer you guidance on how to support them through this process. It’s important to find professionals who are experienced with transgender issues and who practice with empathy and understanding.

At Tandem Psychology, we provide compassionate, expert support for families with children who are transgender and gender nonconforming. Our team of queer and LGBT therapists is here to guide you and your child through this journey with empathy and understanding.

Whether you’re seeking counseling for your child, guidance for yourself, or a supportive community, we are here to help. Reach out today to start building a supportive path forward for your family.

This blog is made for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice. The information in this blog is not intended to (1) replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified licensed health care provider, (2) create or establish a provider-patient relationship, or (3) create a duty for us to follow up with you.