Your loved one is trans or nonbinary and you want to truly be in their corner, but you don’t know how and you don’t want to mess up.  It’s okay to have questions, to reflect on ways in which your actions are actually supportive, and to educate yourself.

Here are some principles for offering meaningful support to your trans and non-binary loved ones.  Whether you’re a friend, family member, or colleague, your support can make a world of difference in the lives of trans people and non-binary individuals.

How do I support my trans or nonbinary loved one?

If you’ve found your way to this post, it’s likely that this topic is at the core of your question.  It’s an important one to consider.  Let’s take this question in two parts – general support and direct support.

General Support:

Support and allyship for trans and nonbinary people are crucial elements in fostering a more inclusive and supportive society. When trans people receive general support, it not only helps combat transphobia and discrimination but also affirms the identities of trans and nonbinary people, promoting psychological well-being.

• Confront Personal Prejudices – Understand that identifying as transgender or nonbinary is entirely natural and can manifest at any age and within every community. Embrace this as a normal aspect of human diversity.  Trans people are not “new.”  There is finally some space, although a long way to go, for people to acknowledge their feelings and be open about who they really are.

• Expand Your Knowledge – Invest the time to learn about the nuances of sex, gender identity, and the spectrum of gender expression. Educating yourself is key to understanding and advocating for transgender and nonbinary individuals.  This shouldn’t be the job of your loved one who is trans or nonbinary.  Making it their job actually creates more of a burden on them!  Check out information sessions at the Center on Halsted for educational opportunities.

• Seek External Support – If you’re a parent or close relative of someone who is transgender or nonbinary, it’s important to find support for yourself too. Organizations like PFLAG offer programs that can help you navigate your feelings and experiences in supporting your loved one.

• Stay Informed on Local News – Keep yourself informed about local and national news that could affect the transgender and nonbinary community, especially legislation and changes in funding for essential services. Following the work of Lambda Legal may help this endeavor.

• Advocate Vocally – It’s vital to speak out against transphobic jokes and misinformation, whether in casual conversations or more formal settings. By using your voice to support transgender and nonbinary people, you contribute to amplifying their voices as well.

• Normalize Pronoun Disclosure – Regularly share your own pronouns in your email signature, on social media profiles, and in other public settings to help normalize the practice. This supports a safer and more inclusive environment for everyone.

• Educate Children Early – Discuss transgender and nonbinary identities with children in a way that is appropriate for their age. Children are capable of understanding and respecting people’s true selves, often with simple explanations.

• Understand Hormonal Treatment – Recognize that hormonal treatment can be part of transitioning for many transgender people, akin to experiencing a second puberty that aligns more closely with their true gender. Hormone therapy is a critical step for many to feel comfortable in their skin. Howard Brown Health provides great education on this topic!

Supporting Specific Loved Ones

Supporting trans and nonbinary loved ones is not only vital but also unique in its impact. It provides critical affirmation that greatly enhances mental health. This support helps mitigate the high levels of discrimination and exclusion trans people often face.

By acknowledging and validating their identity, you foster an environment where they can live authentically and safely. Moreover, direct support from family and friends acts as a powerful counterbalance to societal challenges, reinforcing resilience and self-esteem. Each act of support, whether through using correct pronouns, providing or connecting resources, or simply listening, is significant.

• Trust and Acceptance – Listen to your loved one and trust their understanding of their own identity. If you find yourself wanting to challenge their assertions, consider why their identity might feel threatening to you. This reflection is essential to address and overcome any underlying transphobic attitudes you may harbor.

• Significance of Pronouns and Names – Using the correct pronouns and the chosen name is a fundamental way to affirm a trans or non-binary person’s identity. This acknowledgment through pronouns like he/him, she/her, they/them, or others, and their chosen name is a crucial sign of your respect and support.  Don’t be fooled though, it isn’t where your support needs to stop!

• Address Deadnaming – Avoid using the birth name of a trans or nonbinary person—known as deadnaming—as it can cause significant emotional pain. Imagine if you were called a name that wasn’t you!  Always use the person’s chosen name and ensure you do so both privately and publicly (This assumes that they are out to others and want you to.  If you don’t know, ask.), which shows your respect and acknowledgment of their identity.

• Unconditional Acceptance – Adopting the principle of unconditional positive regard means accepting and supporting people without any judgment. Show your loved one that they are valued and accepted exactly as they are, embracing their identity fully without conditions.

• Empathy Through Understanding – Empathy requires putting yourself in another’s shoes and trying to understand their feelings and experiences. When interacting with trans or non-binary loved ones, maintain humility and acknowledge that their experiences may be outside your complete understanding.

• Take Accountability in Errors – Everyone makes mistakes, including when trying to support trans and non-binary people you love. If you misgender someone or use an incorrect term, apologize sincerely and strive to improve. Owning up to these mistakes is crucial for personal growth and continued support.

• Support Community Development and Engagement – Encourage connections with supportive groups and resources tailored to trans and nonbinary people such as LGBT centers, online forums, or advocacy groups. Access to these communities can significantly enhance a sense of belonging and normalize negative experiences.

• Have Patience in Their Journey – Recognize that transitioning and living as a trans or nonbinary person involves complex and deeply personal challenges. Show patience and understanding as your loved one navigates their identity and societal interactions, offering steady support throughout their journey.

• Respect Privacy – Always respect the privacy of a trans or non-binary person by not disclosing their gender identity without their explicit consent. Their right to privacy is paramount and an important part of creating safety.

• Separate Orientation and Identity – Remember that gender identity and sexual orientation are distinct and independent identities. Avoid assumptions about someone’s sexual orientation based on their gender identity.

• Respect Boundaries – Steer clear of personal or invasive questions about your loved one’s transition or body. Allow them to share what they feel comfortable discussing, always prioritizing their comfort and well-being to your curiosity.

Support Trans and Nonbinary Partners

If your partner(s) is trans or nonbinary, your support and understanding are especially crucial. Yet supporting a trans or nonbinary partner involves unique considerations and a deep level of empathy and intimacy.

This relationship dynamic requires a commitment to ongoing care for and sensitivity to the specific challenges your partner faces. Crucially, support must be both emotional and practical. It’s about creating a safe, loving space where they can be unequivocally themselves.

As a partner, your support not only affirms their identity but also reinforces the trust and bond between you, making it a cornerstone of a healthy and enduring relationship. Remember, your partner’s gender identity is an integral part of who they are, and by embracing and affirming their identity, you can strengthen your bond and build a more inclusive and supportive relationship.

Consider these tips to be the best partner you can be:

• Communication Is Key – Regularly check in with your partner to understand their daily preferences and needs, such as experiences of the day or how they wish to be supported if they experience misgendering. Avoid assumptions and actively listen to their specific requests.

• Sex and Intimacy – Discuss your sexual relationship openly with your partner, clarifying what types of physical touch they are comfortable with and any boundaries they might have. This ensures a respectful and consensual intimate connection.

• Seek External Support – Look for support networks specifically for partners of trans and nonbinary people. Many LGBTQ+ organizations, including the Center on Halsted, offer relevant groups or services, and online forums can also provide a space for sharing experiences and advice. Additionally, consider support from friends, family, or a therapist familiar with gender expansiveness.

• Recognize Your Partner’s Full Identity – Understand that while your partner’s trans or nonbinary identity is a significant part of their life, it does not solely define them. They possess many other qualities, face various challenges, and hold different beauties that are equally important.  Continue to be curious.  Explore their life vision, dreams, and goals.

• Discuss Gender Affirmation and Other Transition Decisions – Have open conversations about your partner’s aspirations and needs concerning their transition. It’s vital to avoid presumptions about the steps they might choose to take or avoid. Transition-related decisions must always be left to your partner. Consider how you can support them in meeting their needs!

• Educate Yourself Through Trans Media – Enhance your understanding by engaging with media created by trans and nonbinary people. Reading articles, and books, watching videos, and attending performances can provide valuable insights into their experiences and perspectives.

Advocacy as A Crucial Element of Support!

Support for trans and nonbinary loved ones must include advocacy.  Understanding the laws and policies affecting these communities is crucial. By championing inclusive policies and legal protections, you can help create supportive environments.  Here are some ways to leverage your voice and privilege to challenge transphobia and champion spaces where trans and nonbinary people are genuinely valued and respected.

Advocating at Work and School

Supporting trans and nonbinary people in educational and professional settings can be profoundly impactful. Rethinking the use of gender in forms and documents is a foundational step. Often, the inclusion of gender categories on these forms is unnecessary and can be exclusionary. If gender information is necessary, providing a blank space for individuals to express their identity as they see fit, rather than limiting options to “male” or “female,” creates a more inclusive environment.

Additionally, ensuring that everyone has access to appropriate bathroom facilities is crucial. Advocating for the right of individuals to use bathrooms that align with their gender identity, as well as pushing for the availability of gender-neutral or private bathrooms, enhances safety and comfort for all.

Beyond basic tolerance, fostering true inclusivity in schools and workplaces means actively involving trans voices and topics in events, partnering with organizations that support the trans community, and featuring their events in company communications.

Moreover, establishing a transgender-inclusive nondiscrimination policy articulates clear support for trans individuals and provides a framework for addressing non-supportive behaviors. These actions collectively create environments where trans and nonbinary people are not only accepted but truly supported and valued.

Advocating in the Community

Supporting trans and nonbinary individuals through advocacy involves a combination of personal engagement and systemic change. A key aspect of advocacy is direct communication with elected officials across local, state, and federal levels, to either thank them for their support of transgender rights or to express the need for improvement.

Presence in community forums such as school board meetings, parent-teacher associations, and other local councils is crucial, as these venues often decide on policies that directly affect the daily lives of trans individuals.

Legally, it is imperative to push for and support laws that prohibit discrimination based on gender identity/expression in all facets of life, including employment, housing, public spaces, and education. Efforts might range from calling representatives to organizing community-driven campaigns for legislative change.

In health and prevention areas, working with suicide prevention, HIV prevention and treatment, alcohol and drug abuse treatment, and anti-smoking programs is essential to make sure these initiatives are inclusive and staff are well educated on transgender issues. These programs should have trained personnel capable of addressing the specific needs of transgender individuals sensitively and effectively.

Collaboration with law enforcement is also key. Work towards establishing and enforcing fair policies for interacting with transgender people, whether they are seeking assistance or are being detained, ensuring that all officers are well-trained in these policies. Consider how you vote for representatives to police oversight committees. Are you electing representatives who have lived the trans experience or, at minimum, are educated and invested in it?

Finally, advocating for trans rights must always consider the full diversity of the transgender community, encompassing individuals of all races, religions, ages, and backgrounds. Ensuring that advocacy efforts are as inclusive as possible helps to build a comprehensive support system that uplifts and empowers all members of the trans community.

Supporting a trans or non-binary loved one requires empathy, understanding, and a commitment to equality and inclusion. By educating yourself, listening with an open heart, and advocating for their rights, you can make a meaningful difference in their lives and help create a more affirming and supportive world for all trans and non-binary people. Remember, your love and support can make all the difference.

This blog is made for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice. The information in this blog is not intended to (1) replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified licensed health care provider, (2) create or establish a provider-patient relationship, or (3) create a duty for us to follow up with you.