Authenticity vs. Attachment: Finding Balance for Emotional Well-Being
In my many years as a trauma therapist in Chicago, I have witnessed firsthand the delicate interplay between two fundamental human needs: authenticity and attachment. Drawing on the profound work of Dr. Gabor Maté, I have come to understand that our very survival depends on nurturing both these aspects of our being. Yet, as Dr. Maté so insightfully explains, when we are forced to choose between authenticity and attachment, the consequences can be deeply traumatic.
Let’s explore the importance of authenticity vs attachment, examine the painful outcomes that occur when one need is sacrificed for the other, discuss how trauma therapy can facilitate healing, and outline some practical suggestions for balancing these needs.
If you’ve ever wanted to live a more genuine and connected life, read on!
The Dual Foundations: Authenticity and Attachment
At birth, every human being enters the world with innate needs—attachment and authenticity are not merely complementary to our survival, they are inextricably linked to it. Attachment, which encompasses contact, connection, and love, is as essential as the air we breathe. Without secure attachment, a child’s survival is in jeopardy.
Think about it, we’re a slow-developing species, dependent on our attachments for our survival for many years (at least 18 for most people to become independent of their parents and far longer for many others).
As a trauma therapist, it goes even further. I often remind my clients that just as a child must feel the security of a reliable source of food, they, too, require a foundation of connection to thrive emotionally and physically.
On the other hand, authenticity is the ability to remain true to oneself—to know, feel, and express our genuine emotions and thoughts. Dr. Maté’s work emphasizes that authenticity and attachment are both survival needs.
While attachment helps us form bonds and feel secure, authenticity is crucial for our self-awareness and personal growth. When these needs coexist harmoniously, we experience a robust sense of self and a well-grounded connection to others. However, when the demands of attachment and authenticity collide, it often creates an internal conflict that can lead to profound trauma.
The Conflict: Authenticity vs Attachment
In the early years of life, children learn that to receive the care they need, they must often temper their authenticity to secure attachment. The struggle of authenticity vs attachment emerges when the child’s natural impulses—what they truly feel—are seen as a threat to the stability of their relationship with their caregivers.
This conflict is a classic dilemma: if a child expresses their genuine emotions, they risk rejection and the loss of crucial attachment. In my practice as a trauma therapist, I have seen how this internalized lesson continues into adulthood, where many people sacrifice their authenticity to maintain important relationships.
This painful choice—between being true to oneself and clinging to attachment—can set the stage for a lifetime of inner conflict if healing is not facilitated. The suppression of genuine feelings often leads to a diminished sense of self, and over time, these suppressed emotions can manifest as anxiety, depression, and relationship issues.
The struggle between authenticity and attachment is not merely a developmental challenge but can become a traumatic experience, embedding itself deep within our psyche. Authenticity vs attachment is a recurring theme that many people battle with, and the cost of choosing one over the other is a significant contributor to emotional suffering.
The Traumatic Experience of Sacrificing Needs
When people are forced to compromise authenticity for attachment, they engage in what I like to call a “tragic transaction.” In this process, the self is gradually disowned to secure the external validation of others. As a result, the authentic self becomes buried beneath layers of conditioned behaviors, leaving a void that can never be entirely filled by external relationships. This suppression is not merely an emotional adjustment; it is a traumatic experience that alters the very fabric of who we are.
In my private practice, I once worked with a lesbian woman in her mid-thirties who struggled with a deep-seated conflict between her need for authenticity and the attachment she craved from her traditionally conservative family. From a young age, she had been taught that her true self—her sexual orientation and the accompanying identity—was something to be hidden in order to secure love and acceptance.
To maintain these familial bonds, she consistently muted her authentic expressions, conforming to heteronormative expectations and suppressing her inner truth. This “tragic transaction” led her to internalize a narrative of self-denial, causing her to experience profound emotional isolation and chronic stress, as the genuine self that yearned for recognition was buried beneath layers of conditioned behaviors. Ultimately, the painful cost of sacrificing her authenticity for the sake of attachment manifested in a lingering sense of loss and disconnection, underscoring the critical need for healing through trauma therapy.
Throughout my career as a trauma therapist, I have observed that the conflict of attachment and authenticity often gives rise to a host of psychological issues. People may develop addictions, experience chronic stress, and anxiety, or even suffer from psychosomatic illnesses. The brain, having learned that being true to oneself may lead to disconnection, defaults to survival mode by suppressing authentic feelings in favor of maintaining attachment.
While this coping mechanism is necessary for survival when resolving the conflict between conflicting needs, it becomes maladaptive later. In fact, it’s at the core of many cases I encounter in trauma therapy. The phrase authenticity vs attachment encapsulates this tragic dynamic—a choice that no human should ever be forced to make.
The Role of Trauma Therapy in Healing
Healing from the trauma inflicted by the conflict between competing needs is a delicate and nuanced process. Trauma therapy provides a safe space where people can gradually reclaim their authentic selves without fear of losing the attachment relationships that are vital for their survival.
Empirical research bears this out. For example, Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) have shown that secure attachment is associated with lower levels of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, and more adaptive coping strategies. Neuroimaging research further supports these findings by linking secure attachment with better regulation in brain regions responsible for emotional processing and stress management, highlighting the importance of trauma therapy settings that emulate these secure, nurturing bonds. In Chicago, I have personally had the privilege of working with many clients who, through trauma therapy, have learned to navigate this intricate balance.
As a trauma therapist based in Chicago, I emphasize the importance of revisiting and reprocessing early relational experiences. Therapy sessions often focus on uncovering the root of the authenticity vs attachment conflict—exploring how early life experiences have shaped the way we perceive and prioritize our needs. Trauma therapy aims to unburden exiled parts of our authentic selves, thereby allowing for both authenticity and attachment to coexist.
One of the most powerful aspects of trauma therapy is its ability to help people recognize that they do not have to sacrifice one need for the other. Approaches such as mindfulness, IFS, relational therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy are employed to help clients reconnect with their inner truths while still honoring their need for connection.
In our practice, our trauma therapists like to remind clients that balancing attachment and authenticity is not a linear process—it is a journey of self-discovery and gradual healing.
Practical Suggestions for Balancing Authenticity and Attachment
Achieving a balance between authenticity vs attachment requires intentional effort and self-reflection, whether accompanied by trauma therapy or independently. Here are some practical suggestions that can help guide you along this path:
- Reflect on Early Experiences: Take time to consider how your early relational experiences may have influenced your approach to authenticity and attachment. Did you need to exile parts of you because they would have threatened your relationship to someone else? Is it still happening now? Journaling about your feelings and experiences can help bring buried emotions to the surface, making them easier to address in trauma therapy sessions.
- Validate Your Emotions and Experiences: Understand that your feelings are valid. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your emotional experiences as integral to who you are. As a trauma therapist, I often advise clients that validating your emotions is a critical step in reconciling the tension between attachment and authenticity.
- Establish Truly Support Relationships: Surround yourself with people who encourage both your authentic expression and your need for secure attachment. In a city as diverse and vibrant as Chicago, there are many supportive communities and groups where you can practice balancing authenticity vs attachment in a safe environment.
- Engage in Mindfulness Practices: Mindfulness is a valuable tool in recognizing and honoring your inner experience. It allows you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment, thereby fostering both authenticity and attachment. Techniques such as meditation or mindful walking can be particularly effective. In Chicago, consider walking the lakefront path or the 606!
- Seek Professional Guidance: If you find yourself caught in the painful cycle of sacrificing authenticity for attachment, consider consulting with a trauma therapist who specializes in trauma therapy. Professional guidance can help you safely navigate the complex emotions that arise from the authenticity vs attachment conflict and develop strategies to reclaim your true self.
- Practice Assertive Communication and Boundaries: Learning to express your needs and boundaries assertively is one key to balancing attachment and authenticity. Assertive communication enables you to articulate your authentic feelings without alienating those you care about, thereby fostering a more genuine connection.
- Explore Creative Outlets: Creativity can be a powerful means of expressing your authenticity. Whether it is through art, music, writing, or any other form of creative expression, these activities provide an opportunity to reconnect with your inner self while also sharing a piece of that self with others, reinforcing the bond between authenticity and attachment. Lillstreet Art Center, the Chicago Music Exchange, Old Town School of Folk Music, and Arthur Murray Lakeview Dance Center could be great options!
Moving Forward with Hope
The journey towards harmonizing authenticity vs attachment is undoubtedly challenging, but it is also profoundly rewarding. When we begin to live a life that honors both our need for genuine connection and our need to be true to ourselves, we pave the way for a more fulfilling and resilient existence.
As a trauma therapist in Chicago, I have witnessed many clients who, through dedicated trauma therapy, have managed to break free from the constraints of their past and emerge as whole, authentic beings.
The conflict of attachment and authenticity may be deeply rooted in our early experiences, but it does not have to dictate the entirety of our lives. With patience, self-compassion, and the support of a skilled trauma therapist, healing is not only possible—it is predictable.
Whether you are seeking to understand your own internal struggles or looking for ways to support a loved one, remember that the balance of authenticity and attachment is a lifelong journey. In the heart of Chicago, where diversity and resilience are part of the city’s very fabric, there is a wealth of resources and compassionate professionals ready to support you on this path.
We’re Here for You–The Real You!
At Tandem Psychology, we believe that healing begins with embracing your true self while nurturing meaningful connections. If you’ve been grappling with the challenges of balancing authenticity versus attachment, our compassionate team of Chicago trauma therapists is here to help guide you through a transformative journey.
We offer specialized trauma therapy designed to help you reclaim your genuine identity without sacrificing the essential bonds that sustain you. Now is the time to take a step towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Reach out to Tandem Psychology in Chicago today to start your path to healing and wholeness. Your journey towards greater authenticity and secure attachment starts here—let us help you unlock the vibrant, resilient self that lies within.
This blog is made for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice. The information in this blog is not intended to (1) replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified licensed health care provider, (2) create or establish a provider-patient relationship, or (3) create a duty for us to follow up with you.
