Relationships are a fundamental aspect of human experience, and they can bring us immense joy and fulfillment. However, as with any aspect of life, they can also be challenging and require effort to maintain. Putting in the work to improve your relationships can be quite rewarding, but sometimes it is difficult to know where to start.  

Whether you are currently in a relationship or seeking to improve your relationships with future partner(s), these questions can provide insight and guidance. By asking yourself these questions, you can gain a better understanding of yourself and your partner, enhance communication, and strengthen your connection.

Our experts in relationships and couples therapy are aiming to provide you with practical tools and strategies that you can apply to improve your relationships outside of therapy. So, let’s dive in and explore these questions together!

1. What is our relationship’s greatest strength?

Your individual experiences, and those of your partner(s), shape you.  They also create unique strengths.  Some common strengths include:

• Effective communication: A strong relationship involves open and honest communication, with both partners expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear and respectful manner.
• Trust: Trust is essential for a healthy relationship. Both partners should feel secure in their relationship and trust that their partner has their best interests at heart.
• Shared values: A strong relationship involves shared values, beliefs, and goals. When partners are aligned in these areas, they can support each other and work together to achieve common goals.
• Emotional support: Partners who provide emotional support for each other during difficult times can strengthen their bond and create a sense of security in the relationship.
• Shared activities: Participating in shared activities, such as hobbies or exercise, can help couples build a deeper connection and have fun together.
• Physical intimacy: Physical intimacy, such as cuddling, kissing, and sexual intimacy, can create a deeper emotional bond between partners and contribute to overall relationship satisfaction.

Ultimately, a relationship’s greatest strength will depend on the unique individuals involved and what they value in a relationship.

2. Do we start difficult conversations in a way that invites more discussion and togetherness?

Starting by acknowledging the positive aspects of a relationship is important because it sets a positive tone for the conversation and helps to build trust and connection between partners. By acknowledging the positive aspects, you are showing your partner that you value and appreciate them, and that you are invested in the relationship. This can create a sense of safety and openness that allows both partners to communicate more effectively and to be more receptive to feedback.

When you start a conversation by focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship, you are also creating a foundation for discussing ways to make it better. This approach can help to reduce defensiveness and encourage a collaborative problem-solving approach. It allows you to approach the conversation from a place of strength and positivity, rather than from a place of criticism or blame.

Overall, starting by acknowledging the positive aspects of a relationship can help to create a more constructive and supportive environment for discussing ways to improve your relationships. It can help to foster mutual respect and understanding, and ultimately lead to a stronger and healthier relationship.

3. What’s our ratio of positive interactions to negative?

John Gottman, a well-known psychologist and relationship expert, has conducted extensive research on what makes relationships thrive. One of the key findings of his research is the importance of positive regard for your partner. In fact, Gottman’s research has shown that a healthy relationship should have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. This means that it’s important to not only avoid negative feedback but also to actively seek out opportunities to express appreciation, affection, and admiration for your partner. By doing so, you can strengthen your bond and create a more positive and fulfilling relationship.

Here are some ideas for giving more positive feedback in a romantic relationship:

• Express appreciation: Take the time to tell your partner what you appreciate about them, whether it’s something they did for you or a quality they possess.
• Practice active listening: Show your partner that you value their thoughts and opinions by actively listening when they speak. Ask questions, provide feedback, and show interest in what they have to say.
• Offer compliments: Let your partner know when they look good, when they did something well, or when they have accomplished something significant. Genuine compliments can go a long way in building a positive relationship.
• Show physical affection: Small gestures of physical affection, such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing, can communicate love and appreciation in a powerful way.
• Surprise your partner: Surprise your partner with small gestures of kindness, such as bringing them breakfast in bed, sending a thoughtful text message, or planning a special date night.

Remember, the key to giving positive feedback is to be genuine and sincere. When you express appreciation and affection in an authentic way, it can help to build a strong and healthy relationship.

4. What’s your favorite thing about me?

This question shows that you value and care about your partner’s opinion and want to better understand their perspective. This can help to foster trust and open communication between partners. It can help to create a positive and affirming atmosphere in the relationship. When your partner shares what they appreciate about you, it can boost your self-esteem and create a deeper sense of connection and intimacy. And, this question can help to reinforce positive behaviors and qualities in the relationship. When your partner tells you what they like about you, it can help to reinforce those behaviors and qualities, leading to a stronger and healthier relationship.

5. What can I do to be a better partner and make this a stronger relationship?

Moving on from identifying the strengths of your relationship, it’s important to delve deeper into individual behaviors and how they may impact the relationship. Asking your partner for suggestions on what you can improve on is a constructive way to demonstrate openness to communication and change. It is important to keep in mind that this exercise is not intended to criticize or tear down, but to build up and strengthen the relationship. It’s important to remain receptive to feedback, ask questions to clarify any concerns, and avoid getting upset. Your partner is participating in this exercise to help improve your relationships and create more happiness for both of you. Ultimately, the goal is to explore options for a happier and healthier relationship.

6. How can I be a better sexual partner?

Intimacy and sexuality are key components of romantic relationships, and improving these areas can have a positive impact on the overall health of the relationship. A fulfilling sexual relationship can strengthen the emotional bond between partners and increase feelings of love and connection. However, discussing sex can be challenging for some couples, particularly if they have not had these conversations before. To start, it can be helpful to ask questions that focus on comfort levels, communication, and desires. Open and honest communication can help partners feel more comfortable discussing sex and can lead to a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and desires. If you encounter difficulty discussing these topics, seeking support from a trained professional, such as a couples therapist, can provide valuable guidance and tools for communication when working to improve your relationships.

7. What’s our vision for the future?

Having a shared vision with your partner in a relationship can provide numerous benefits, including:

• Greater sense of unity: When you and your partner share a vision for your future, you are working towards a common goal. This can create a sense of unity and a feeling that you are working together as a team.
• Increased communication: In order to create a shared vision, you and your partner must communicate effectively and honestly. This can lead to more frequent and open communication, which can help to strengthen your relationship.
• Sense of purpose: When you have a shared vision, you have a sense of purpose and direction. This can help you to feel more fulfilled and motivated in your relationship.
• Greater resilience: When you face challenges or setbacks in your relationship, having a shared vision can provide a sense of resilience and determination to overcome obstacles.
• Enhanced intimacy: When you and your partner share a vision for your future, you are sharing your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. This can create a deeper sense of intimacy and connection in your relationship. Dream big!

8. Are there any aspects of your childhood or past that are impacting you in this relationship?

Understanding your partner’s past can provide valuable insight into their behavior and any difficulties they may be experiencing in the relationship. Learning about their childhood experiences can give context for why they approach certain situations in a particular way. However, it’s important to approach this topic with sensitivity and respect. It’s important to respect your partner’s boundaries and avoid pushing too hard if they are not ready to share certain information. Pressuring your partner to disclose something they are uncomfortable with can damage the trust in your relationship. If your partner is willing to share, listen attentively and try to understand how past events may be affecting your relationship now. If you or your partner feel that past experiences are impacting your relationship in a negative way, it may be helpful to speak with a couples therapist to work towards healing in a safe and effective manner.

9. How can I be a better communicator?

Effective communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and asking your partner what you can do to improve communication can be a powerful step towards creating a stronger connection. It’s not uncommon for many relationship problems to stem from communication failures, where partners fail to express their needs, feelings, or concerns. Taking the time to have regular discussions about communication and division of responsibilities can lead to a smoother and happier relationship. Unfortunately, many couples neglect this aspect of their relationship and miss out on opportunities to improve their connection. By simply asking what they can do better, couples can create a foundation for better communication and a more fulfilling relationship. Don’t forget to listen carefully to the answer! 

Independent relationship work is important – crucial – but it isn’t relationship or couples therapy.

While answering these at-home couple’s questions can certainly provide valuable insights into your relationship, it’s important to recognize that they are not a substitute for professional marriage counseling or therapy. Trained and licensed therapists are equipped to assist couples in navigating communication, strengthening their connection, and resolving conflicts in a healthy way. If you feel like you want to improve your relationships and could benefit from additional support, we highly recommend seeking out a couples therapist. They can help you identify areas of improvement and work with you to create a plan to overcome any challenges you may be facing.

Our Chicago couples therapists can help!

Engaging in open and honest conversation with your partner about your relationship can be a powerful way to uncover new insights and strengthen your bond. These questions can be a helpful tool to facilitate this kind of dialogue, allowing you to better understand each other’s needs and desires. It’s important to approach these questions with an open mind and a willingness to listen to your partner’s perspective. However, if you find that these conversations are difficult to have or that they lead to conflict, seeking the guidance of a trained professional may be helpful. Couples therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to discuss these issues and can help you develop the skills and tools necessary to make progress in your relationship. A couples therapist can use evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you identify and overcome obstacles and strengthen your bond with your partner.

Our couples counselors meet with clients in-person in Lakeview and throughout Illinois via telehealth.  Strengthening your relationship even further may be a click away! Improve your relationships and schedule an appointment with one of our therapists today!

This blog is made for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice.

The information in this blog is not intended to (1) replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified licensed health care provider, (2) create or establish a provider-patient relationship, or (3) create a duty for us to follow up with you.